Mama Bennett Goes Home
Sixteen months ago, Mama Bennett's doctors told her to get her affairs in order following a severe internal bleeding episode and subsequent diagnosis of terminal liver disease. The situation was tenuous and I immediately flew out west to say my goodbyes.
Sixteen months ago.
Since then I've been in regular contact, either by phone or e-mail, with Aunt Bee and Aunt Ess. They both discouraged visits due to Mama B's decline and fear of having Lovett and Dora see her in such shape. We weighed the options and acquiesced but her demise hung over our heads like a dark cloud. For sixteen months.
About a month ago, Aunt Bee called Zelda in desperation. Times were tough, she needed some relief, and felt like the kids might brighten the place up. Lovett had a couple of in-service days coming up at school so we flew out early on a Saturday morning. Having said my goodbyes sixteen months ago, I wasn't looking forward to having to do it again, but sometimes you can't get around the hard stuff.
We had a great visit. Mama B's mind was sharp, she ate well (for her condition), the kids kept the farm hopping, riding the golf cart and chasing the dogs around. On Tuesday morning, Lovett and I flew home. The next Tuesday, Zelda and Dora flew home.
On Wednesday night, Aunt Bee called to tell us that it was just a matter of time. Shortly after Zelda and Dora left the day before, Mama B had become unresponsive. Aunt Bee asked if we wanted a call if she died in the night. We told her we did.
At 2:00 a.m., the phone rang.
I had been aware that this moment was coming. For sixteen months. When it came, I was blown away at how profound one death could be. We've lost more than 2800 soldiers in Iraq. More than 2900 people died in the terrorist attacks on September 11, 2001. Two-hundred-fifty thousand people died in the Indian Ocean tsunami in 2004. None of those deaths affected me like the death of a frail, eighty-one year-old woman in the basement apartment of a farm house on the Eastern Plains of Colorado.
Appropriately, Mama Bennett died during an uncharacteristically heavy autumn blizzard. She would have loved that. It was almost morning before they took her away. We changed airline reservations three times because the blizzard so impacted the schedules at the funeral home and the cemetery.
Which was not a bad thing.
Mama Bennett had asked me, sixteen months ago, to preach her funeral. I had been thinking about it since. For sixteen months. And I had yet to write a word.
Granted, procrastination is one of my hobbies. But sixteen months? You'd think that with that amount of time I'd have come up with something. But I didn't. I couldn't. I could not even begin to write a eulogy for someone who was not dead. Every cell in my body screamed No! each time I tried. So I gave up. I knew when the time came and I was under a deadline I could do it. At least that was my hope.
So we scheduled our flight out on Sunday, and Saturday I hunkered down at [local chain coffee shop that's not Starbucks] and wrote.
On Monday, we met with the hospice chaplain to go over the service. Mama B had fallen in love with her hospice caregivers and wanted the chaplain to have a part.
On Tuesday, we had a private visitation at the funeral home. Papa B insisted that he had to see her one last time before we buried her. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done.
I've always hated the funeral home visitation cliche "doesn't she look gooood?" but in Mama Bennett's case it was true. She had withered to nearly nothing but she looked so much better than the last time I had seen her, two weeks before. Then, when she was lying in her bed, I hugged her and kissed her forehead and told her, "I'll see you again." She smiled at me and said "I know." I knew I would never see her again in this life, and she did, too. It was such an easier goodbye than the one sixteen months before. None of us knew how much time she had left then and it was painful and emotional. Two weeks ago, it had been hopeful. Tuesday it was painful again.
It was a large room with just a few of us - Papa B, Aunt Bee, Aunt Ess, Uncle Cee, Zelda, the kids, and me. Some of us had brought things to place in her casket and I took mine up just before we left. I lost sight of the hopefulness I'd felt two weeks earlier. A measure of finality overwhelmed me as I touched her bony arm; her cold cheek.
Wednesday was a brisk day, sunny, but breezy. She'd requested a simple graveside service, which is about all that's allowed at the national cemetery where we buried her (Papa B is a veteran). We lined up our cars at a staging area, awaiting instructions from the cemetery staff. When our time came, we were lead to a small chapel, open on one side, with only six or eight chairs. A good many friends of Aunt Bee and Ess, the hospice staff, and some friends Mama B had made during her short stay in Colorado were there. I was really anxious about speaking because of the difficulty of the viewing, but I made it fine. The hard work had been done in the coffee shop, on the plane, and in Aunt Bee's home office on the computer.
I shared a little of who Mama B was, read some of her favorite scriptures, and addressed each of us as a family. I felt it important to give us all permission to grieve. I'm convinced we have Egyptian blood in us because we're all experts on denial (de-Nile, get it?) and I wanted to address that. Also, Mama B was not perfect. She said and did things that hurt us and we said and did things that hurt her and I wanted to acknowledge that. I closed with one of her favorite poems, Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening, by Robert Frost, and the hospice chaplain prayed.
Later, we went to find her grave, which I almost wish we hadn't. The cemetery had done maybe twenty funerals that day, all in one section, with no sod, no marker, nothing but red dirt. Place, though, is important to me, and I've seen the grave, I know where it is, and if I never make it there again I have no regrets.
There is an interesting angle to this story concerning Mrs. DePaul (my mother; Mama B's daughter) but I'll save that for another time.
Godspeed, Mama Bennett. I'll see you again.
Sixteen months ago.
Since then I've been in regular contact, either by phone or e-mail, with Aunt Bee and Aunt Ess. They both discouraged visits due to Mama B's decline and fear of having Lovett and Dora see her in such shape. We weighed the options and acquiesced but her demise hung over our heads like a dark cloud. For sixteen months.
About a month ago, Aunt Bee called Zelda in desperation. Times were tough, she needed some relief, and felt like the kids might brighten the place up. Lovett had a couple of in-service days coming up at school so we flew out early on a Saturday morning. Having said my goodbyes sixteen months ago, I wasn't looking forward to having to do it again, but sometimes you can't get around the hard stuff.
We had a great visit. Mama B's mind was sharp, she ate well (for her condition), the kids kept the farm hopping, riding the golf cart and chasing the dogs around. On Tuesday morning, Lovett and I flew home. The next Tuesday, Zelda and Dora flew home.
On Wednesday night, Aunt Bee called to tell us that it was just a matter of time. Shortly after Zelda and Dora left the day before, Mama B had become unresponsive. Aunt Bee asked if we wanted a call if she died in the night. We told her we did.
At 2:00 a.m., the phone rang.
I had been aware that this moment was coming. For sixteen months. When it came, I was blown away at how profound one death could be. We've lost more than 2800 soldiers in Iraq. More than 2900 people died in the terrorist attacks on September 11, 2001. Two-hundred-fifty thousand people died in the Indian Ocean tsunami in 2004. None of those deaths affected me like the death of a frail, eighty-one year-old woman in the basement apartment of a farm house on the Eastern Plains of Colorado.
Appropriately, Mama Bennett died during an uncharacteristically heavy autumn blizzard. She would have loved that. It was almost morning before they took her away. We changed airline reservations three times because the blizzard so impacted the schedules at the funeral home and the cemetery.
Which was not a bad thing.
Mama Bennett had asked me, sixteen months ago, to preach her funeral. I had been thinking about it since. For sixteen months. And I had yet to write a word.
Granted, procrastination is one of my hobbies. But sixteen months? You'd think that with that amount of time I'd have come up with something. But I didn't. I couldn't. I could not even begin to write a eulogy for someone who was not dead. Every cell in my body screamed No! each time I tried. So I gave up. I knew when the time came and I was under a deadline I could do it. At least that was my hope.
So we scheduled our flight out on Sunday, and Saturday I hunkered down at [local chain coffee shop that's not Starbucks] and wrote.
On Monday, we met with the hospice chaplain to go over the service. Mama B had fallen in love with her hospice caregivers and wanted the chaplain to have a part.
On Tuesday, we had a private visitation at the funeral home. Papa B insisted that he had to see her one last time before we buried her. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done.
I've always hated the funeral home visitation cliche "doesn't she look gooood?" but in Mama Bennett's case it was true. She had withered to nearly nothing but she looked so much better than the last time I had seen her, two weeks before. Then, when she was lying in her bed, I hugged her and kissed her forehead and told her, "I'll see you again." She smiled at me and said "I know." I knew I would never see her again in this life, and she did, too. It was such an easier goodbye than the one sixteen months before. None of us knew how much time she had left then and it was painful and emotional. Two weeks ago, it had been hopeful. Tuesday it was painful again.
It was a large room with just a few of us - Papa B, Aunt Bee, Aunt Ess, Uncle Cee, Zelda, the kids, and me. Some of us had brought things to place in her casket and I took mine up just before we left. I lost sight of the hopefulness I'd felt two weeks earlier. A measure of finality overwhelmed me as I touched her bony arm; her cold cheek.
Wednesday was a brisk day, sunny, but breezy. She'd requested a simple graveside service, which is about all that's allowed at the national cemetery where we buried her (Papa B is a veteran). We lined up our cars at a staging area, awaiting instructions from the cemetery staff. When our time came, we were lead to a small chapel, open on one side, with only six or eight chairs. A good many friends of Aunt Bee and Ess, the hospice staff, and some friends Mama B had made during her short stay in Colorado were there. I was really anxious about speaking because of the difficulty of the viewing, but I made it fine. The hard work had been done in the coffee shop, on the plane, and in Aunt Bee's home office on the computer.
I shared a little of who Mama B was, read some of her favorite scriptures, and addressed each of us as a family. I felt it important to give us all permission to grieve. I'm convinced we have Egyptian blood in us because we're all experts on denial (de-Nile, get it?) and I wanted to address that. Also, Mama B was not perfect. She said and did things that hurt us and we said and did things that hurt her and I wanted to acknowledge that. I closed with one of her favorite poems, Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening, by Robert Frost, and the hospice chaplain prayed.
Later, we went to find her grave, which I almost wish we hadn't. The cemetery had done maybe twenty funerals that day, all in one section, with no sod, no marker, nothing but red dirt. Place, though, is important to me, and I've seen the grave, I know where it is, and if I never make it there again I have no regrets.
There is an interesting angle to this story concerning Mrs. DePaul (my mother; Mama B's daughter) but I'll save that for another time.
Godspeed, Mama Bennett. I'll see you again.
posted by Chris @ 9:48 PM
1 Piquant Remarks:
At 10:30 AM,
Anonymous said…
hello... hapi blogging... have a nice day! just visiting here....
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