Chris Rocks the Oscars

I've paid only peripheral interest to the fallout as comedian Chris Rock was tapped to host this year's Academy Awards show, so forgive me if I don't have all my facts straight.

This is the Internet, after all.

It is amazing that so much attention is paid to the process of producing this mind-numbing spectacle. Often, the annual unveiling of the host rivals the awards themselves for drama. Will it be Billy Crystal, for the 42nd time? How about Steve Martin? He's between book signings. Say, what about Johnny Car... oh, wait, he's dead. A woman? Yeah, we need a woman!

As soon as Chris Rock was announced, the feeding frenzy began. He's too cutting edge for The Academy, some said. I can't believe Cates and Horvitz chose him, he's too controversial. Speculation was that The Academy would step in, say it was all a mistake, and give it to Bob Hop... oh, wait, he's dead, too.

Then the host-to-be opened his mouth. He said that black men don't watch the Oscars. Then he said that straight men don't watch the Oscars. Then he feigned shock that anyone would watch the Oscars.

Which is precisely the reason he has the job. To get people to watch the Oscars.

There is no controversy. Never has been. The producer and director didn't pull a fast one on the staid Academy Powers-That-Be as they sat in wicker chairs on a palm-tree-ringed veranda with blankets on their laps lunching on cold avocado soup and sourdough scones.

People, please get this, once and for all. Hollywood's biggest export is not film. It is hype. Marketing. Artifice.

Too often we fall for it. We even fall for it when we talk about the other one billion Oscar viewers who fall for it. Every single year.

So everyone please calm down.

If you were planning to watch the Oscars before Chris Rock was named the host, by all means watch. Get the firmest sacro-supporting pillow you can find, procure an ample supply of the three V's (Vitamins, Visine, and Vioxx), and hunker down for the duration (hopefully you went through your Oscar-watching drills during the Superbowl pre-game marathon).

If you weren't planning to watch the Oscars until you heard that Chris Rock would be hosting, by all means watch. He'll probably say some funny stuff. May even make some young starlet cry. Odds are that he'll get bleeped. Just don't beat yourself up too badly when it hits you that you fell for the hype.

If you weren't planning to watch the Oscars regardless of who will be the host, then don't watch. Read a book. Watch Prime Minister's Questions on C-SPAN. Go to a movie, even. Just don't pretend that you watched it when all your friends who fell for the hype talk about it on Monday morning. And please, don't try to quote the bleeped jokes off the Drudge Report. You'll never get the inflections right and you'll just look sad.

You know who I always hold out hope that they'll get to host the Oscars? Elvis Pres... oh, wait, he's dead, too?